You noted feeling like the introduction wasn’t enough, but I think it is a major improvement. First, it does not delve into the additional issue of organizational surveillance, so it is much more focused in terms of leading into the paper. Second, it more closely adheres to the expectations for the intro in this paper:
Inform the reader of the company your evaluation will discuss, the problem the company faced, and the solution the company implemented. You can use 2 or 3 paragraphs for your introduction. End your introduction with your thesis statement.
The intro is meant to be purely informational in this case, and you’ve moved closer to that with this draft.
RECOMMENDATIONS & STRATEGIES FOR IMPROVEMENT
FOCUS/THESIS: Thesis Make sure your thesis is complete in terms of articulating the points you address. Let’s look at what you have:
This implies that the solution BRIXX implemented worked effectively as it was a clear indication that the restaurant had the consumers’ interests as its main priority.
You list one reason here, but have other reasons you discuss in the draft (like showing employees what is acceptable). Make sure your thesis completely articulates your argument. Here are some tips to use as you revise:
Use your IDEA MAP to show you what should be included in the thesis. If you have three separate ideas about how the solution was effective, refer to those in the thesis.
Fill in the blanks: BRIXX’s solution of firing Johnson for her post was effective because _______________, ________________, and ________________.
Writing a focused conclusion Now your conclusion goes a bit off track with its discussion of organizational surveillance. Since you are not evaluating BRIXX’s use of organizational surveillance (as that is a different solution to a different problem, as noted last week), you would not use the conclusion to explore that idea. (You do have one paragraph that discusses this, but it does not fit with the rest of the paper, as I will get into below). Let’s look at part of it:
Employers are justified to monitor the content posted by their employees online as the content may have a direct influence on the customer satisfaction and general well-being of the company. However, a clear code of conduct should be outlined in the employment contract, which also captures their policy on content posted online by employees. Employees need to be aware of the surveillance practices they are subjected to and also know the consequences if they post anything that goes against the policies and interests of the organization.
Your conclusion should not introduce new ideas, but focus on the points you made and why they are important. Since you are evaluating BRIXX’s solution of firing Johnson as effective, keep the focus on that.
RHETORICAL STRUCTURE/ORGANIZATION: Combining and organizing body paragraphs to support thesis, you should make the Idea Map as instructed above. Note the point of each paragraph.
Next, take that Idea map and look at each point. For each paragraph, ask How does this paragraph show why you think BRIXX’s solution did or did not work effectively?
That is the task here: using paragraphs to show that BRIXX’s solution was effective. Review the instructions for the evaluation/body of the paper:
discuss, point by point, why you think the solution did or did not work effectively.
Your topic sentences should also address this issue and identify how the paragraph develops the thesis’s assertion (you can see last week’s letter for tips on topic sentences).
What I suggest doing is really rewriting the body of the paper so that the paragraphs all have the same purpose. Some of them can be combined (the first three, for instance, seem to provide additional explanation of points you make later, to some extent – actually, the first one does not seem particularly relevant to your arugment at this point).
For instance, look at this paragraph:
From an ethical perspective, her comment still qualifies to be considered inappropriate as she insults another person without any logical ground as the consumer did nothing wrong by occupying a table for three hours, or by leaving a ‘bad’ tip. Tips are often considered as a token of appreciation and they are not a mandatory requirement after one is served. Leaving a tip should be considered a good gesture and should not be repaid by a vulgar comment, whether directly or indirectly. There is a high likelihood that once the camper learns of Ms. Johnson’s comments, he/she will be discouraged from visiting the restaurant any time soon. And this will also discourage other customers from seeking BRIXX’s services.
How much of this relates to the thesis that BRIXX’s solution was effective? Your topic statement indicates that her comment was inappropriate, but that is not what you’re supposed to be assessing here. Instead, use this idea to bolster the paragraph about how consumers will feel reassured that BRIXX is protecting them:
Another reason BRIXX’s solution was effective is that it shows consumers that they are BRIXX’s first priority, which could have an effect on business. Johnson’s comment insulted another person without any logical ground as the consumer did nothing wrong by occupying a table for three hours, or by leaving a ‘bad’ tip. Tips are often considered as a token of appreciation and they are not a mandatory requirement after one is served. Leaving a tip should be considered a good gesture and should not be repaid by a vulgar comment, whether directly or indirectly. There is a high likelihood that once the camper learns of Ms. Johnson’s comments, he/she will be discouraged from visiting the restaurant any time soon. This could also discourage other customers from seeking BRIXX’s services. Consumers will be more confident when seeking services from the restaurant as the move to fire the waitress is a clear indication that they are valued and their interests come first. Winning the consumers’ trust is an effective way of promoting good customer experience and, in turn, ensure there are higher levels of customer satisfaction.
This paragraph has a clear topic sentence that addresses the purpose of the paper, combines the paragraph that seemed out of place with the paragraph that explains how the move helped BRIXX by making consumers confident that BRIXX protects their privacy.
Take the other body paragraphs and see if they fit with any of the later three. You will want to combine like ideas and shift them toward a clear evaluation and complete discussion of how BRIXX’s solution was effective. Try this exercise to help:
Do “the shuffle:” Get a set of index cards. Each card represents one idea for each paragraph in your essay.Write one idea per index card.If you have more than one idea in each paragraph, write the second (and third, etc.) idea on a separate card.Now, shuffle the cards.Inspect the order.Try rearranging the cards to deliver your focus, ideas and overall message more effectively
you’re on the right track; as you revise, keep making sure you’re focused on fulfilling the objective of the assignment and not getting sidetracked with additional information. Let the structure of the paper reinforce the focus; combine paragraphs and write strong topic sentences to link to the thesis. Please do not hesitate to contact me with any questions. Good luck!